Kirk, This Is The Reality

         

  Shook up to say the least. The reality hasn't really hit me yet. It's as if my head is stuck in a bit of a fog or haze that just encircles my head as I walk everywhere. The guy I shared a room with for two years, one of my best friends, is dead. What the hell? I mean really, 22 years young. A professional athlete for goodness sake. What kind of messed up story is this? And who finds out of their best friends death over twitter? I mean I guess this is where the world is; where social networking allows things to travel faster than word of mouth but damn. I mean at first I thought it was some kind of sick joke. It wasn't. As Daniel said, "Why would they joke about that?" They wouldn't, I just didn't want to believe it. 

The first two or three hours were a mix of crying, sadness, shock, and anger. As I ran out of my church this morning trying to call my brothers of 1111 I felt as if I was floating and at loss for breath. As i made it to the crossroads district in downtown KC it hit me the hardest for some reason. As I pulled my car over and just sat there I could feel it overwhelm me. The sweat, the tension of every muscle in my body and the feeling that your stomach and intestines were all recoiling back up your esophagus as I yelled in the most pleading and desperate yell I may have ever let out in my life. "Why?" It was defining and disgusting to my ears and it was coming from me. It was the sound that death causes to reverberate through a soul. A soul that is struggling to see the life, the life on the other side of death. 

After walking through the streets of KC aimlessly for about 2 hours my emotions turned to shock. That is where I have been most of the day. Just struggling to believe Kirk's death as a reality. I put down three Blue Moons for him. Until today, I didn't even like beer. 

I can feel myself beginning to fall out of this state of mind and the reality starting to settle in. Now I just want to wake up. I want to wake up and this be a dream, when I know it is not, or is it? It may not be a dream but it definitely is not life the way it was intended to be. Because if it was then the creator of life is just effed up in the head. 

How do I encompass this shitty situation with the reality that Kirk is alive. That he did wake up this morning. He woke up with a adductor that had no pain. He woke up to the real life. Life the way it was intended to be, lived in the presence of God. Kirk saw God's face this morning and he did not have a second guess of what I was doing. He was on his millionth game of pick up before I even shed a tear. 

Knowing this doesn't make it easy though. It's actually bringing me to tears for the first time in many hours. It's hard to accept I guess that he won't be there from now on when I want him to be. Whether it is when I'm getting married and having kids or when I just need to give him a shout later this week. Honestly, I am just thankful. Thankful that God puts people like Kirk into our lives. Even if it is for just a short time. It sucks so hard but God is so faithful. He didn't have to put Kirk in my life in the first place but he did and that is the beauty and that's why my hope is in Christ. Without Him I may have never known Kirk and this day could be meaningless. It's not though. This day sucks, and I'm thankful. 

As I head to bed I'm not even tired. I'm confused and have a headache, wondering if I will get any sleep tonight. Whether I do or not is besides the point. The point is there is hope for us all. That no matter what our pain is right now it will get better. Whether it is an adductor that has been bothering you for years or whether it is the loss of your best friend, this brokenness isn't how it was supposed to be and when this dream or "life" as they call it is over we can be made whole and live life the way it was really meant to be.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

John 14:27

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."